Flu-bug

Talk about getting kicked while you're down. Sheish. This month has been rough, if I may be so honest. Sunday night at about 1AM (Monday morning) I found myself starting the 8-hour grueling yo-yo pattern of bed-bathroom-bed-bathroom. Ick. Nate was an incredibly patient husband and took very good care of me.

Now I'm home for the second day- trying to keep crackers and gatorade in my system. Ironically this all started just hours after writing in my prayer journal about the struggles of slowing down. I like to stay really busy so that I don't have to think about the reality of life. Slowing down gives me more time to think and more time to process and inevitably, I become sad and emotional. It's easier to ignore and keep moving. God has a funny sense of humor. "Here Heather, here's the flu. Why don't you just sit for a couple of days, talk to me, listen- stay home alone, lay on the couch and just BE." Agh. Fine.

So, here I am.

This past week has been the hardest of them all. I'm hearing from some reliable sources that hormones take a few weeks to get back to normal. I feel so unlike myself some days. Postpartum? Maybe. A sad mama? Very possible. A "mom" who doesn't feel like a mom because there isn't anyone to show for it? Yes. Everything inside me knew I was a mom- but now....he's not here. Babies should either be IN their moms or close enough that mom can hold them. I've got neither. And that's hard to understand and hard to process through.

I know that women go through this all the time. But you don't think about it being this hard all the time. Deal with it and move on.

nice try.

One of the hardest things is seeing other people "deal with it and move on"- which is exactly what they should do. But I can't seem to get there. I can't deal and move because I think about it all the time. I miss him all the time.

I know it takes time. I know that it's OK to take everything one day at a time. Some days will be good, some days will be a lot harder. I know that it's OK to be sad and to cry. But I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of being sad. The very selfish mother in me wants to hold onto God by His shirt collar and scream at Him, "I WILL be a good mother. Nate WILL be a wonderful father. You WILL give us this child and we WILL take incredibly good care of him!"

But the sane person in me trusts that God's plan is far greater. Oliver may never have developed into a full functioning child. God may just have saved us some unimaginable heartache. He has a story for us and one day we will look back and see how this fits perfectly into the story with a beautiful ending. Right now in this season, this is hard.

Thanks for all your prayers and encouraging words. It's so nice to not feel "forgotten" even as the rest of the world moves on. We feel lifted by your prayers and we know that we're being supported by friends all around the world.