Baby Eigsti

I've been avoiding this post. Mostly because I'm not sure where to start. I've been looking forward to sharing our news for over a month- well, since we found out on February 28th that we were going to be the proud new parents of Baby Eigsti- arriving in November 2010. We. were. elated. We immediatly told parents on both sides about their first grandbaby, we sent our siblings cards addressed to "Aunt Emily" and "Uncle James"...phone calls were carefully made to those we wanted to be praying for us and our new family. And over the Easter holiday, we decided we were "close enough" to week 12 to share with any extended family that was there. Everyone was so excited.

Nate and I both took a half day on Monday this week to have our first ultrasound at 10 weeks. We saw a strong heartbeat, and our sweet little miracle on the monitor and tears streamed down both of our faces. He really was there! That was the first proof we'd had that our assumptions and positive home pregnancy tests weren't just a mean trick- we really were pregnant! And there he was!

We were then met with the words, "I have some concerns" and from that point forward our world seemed to quickly spiral down with information we didn't really understand and complications that we couldn't control. They sent us to Methodist in Omaha the following morning for a "second opinion" and by the time we got there, the baby's heart had stopped and we were looking at a time to schedule a D&C back in Lincoln. How quickly our dreams were stomped out; this option had never crossed our mind- we were now parents with a child in Heaven. The concerns had been over the amount of fluid that was on Baby E's brain. We were ready to parent a child with some mental instabilities. We were scared and unsure of how to tackle our new role as "parents of a child with special needs"- but we were going for it. The fact that we might go there that morning and find a dead baby were not options in our minds. We had never even considered that possibility. We were ready for some hard news- but not that hard.

My mom had driven to Omaha that morning to be with us at our appointment. I wanted her there to ask parent questions that we wouldn't think of on our own. Her being there for that hard news was vital. She called all the family on that side so we didn't have to. And there's nothing like a mother's hug when the world drops out from under you.

The surgery to remove Baby E was yesterday morning. Everything went fine. I hated going there. I hated knowing that we were going with our baby but would have to leave without him; that we would come home and he would stay there with all the other little babies that haven't made it. The doctors said everything looked really good and there was no reason other than a chromosomal mismatch that would have caused a baby not to survive in my womb. I think I'm supposed to be comforted by this. Right now, I'm not. I wanted that baby. I wanted a November 2010 birthday. I wanted to go to Jazz in June in tank tops and skirts with a cute little baby belly. I wanted to wander the farmers market in my flip flops and dresses- baby belly and Nate in tow. I wanted that baby.

What Nate and I are holding onto now are the promises we know to be true. God's timing is far greater than anything we can see or imagine. He knows what is best. HE knows what kind of life Baby E would have had. He knows how hard it might have been for us to struggle as parents to a child who could never have lived a full functioning life. We rest assured that God made a very difficult decision for us and that He ended this life in His timing so that Baby E, Nate and I would not have to suffer so much. Right now, we lean on those things.

We've had a revolving door of people we love stopping by to visit, phone calls, texts, emails, cards, etc. We appreciate them all. I default to "hostess" when people stop by. I pull myself together and act as if everything is OK. On the phone, I can give the facts, I can talk about any of it, I can quote the Bible verses we're holding onto. But late at night when the house is still, early in the morning while we're lying in bed unable to sleep, in the shower, on the couch staring out the window, when Nate sits next to my curled up body- those are the moments I'm caught off guard. Those are the times when I break down and simply can't bear the thought that he's not here anymore. And then I have to dream of Grandpa Eigsti or Ann's dad playing with our little one- people we knew and loved who are in Heaven- they must be taking care of our little guy. They loved us, they must love him too. And I'll always know that Jesus loves the little children and has already welcomed our little guy with His loving arms. I just wanted to hold him too. We both did. And some day we will- but we'll have to wait for a while to do that.

So, that's what's happening in our lives. It's been a really hard week. Your prayers are much appreciated. We love all of you and know we have lots of love and support from family and friends. That and our faith is what is getting us through this.