(This is not intended to be depressing. Just stay with me.)
Last night after an hour of tossing, I counted backwards from 300 by 3's and still couldn't sleep, so I was thinking about life.
It started with a comment I made to my mother a few months ago- one she probably doesn't even remember. I said, "When are you moving here?", insinuating that I missed them so much that they should pick up their lives and move 2 hours to a new city to be closer to me. (Completely selfish). Mom knew I was joking and we shared a laugh. And last night, for whatever reason, that came back to me and I realized that I don't want them to move here -simply because I don't want to ever "lose" my home. My parents moved into their current house when I was 3 and that's all I've ever known of "going home". Then the thought occurred to me that one day my parents won't live there anymore. One day another family will move into that house, paint over my mother's boarders and wall colors. And their furniture and nick-knacks and family paintings and photos of us growing up, old toys from my childhood, and blankets we've worn the fuzz down on....they'll all be somewhere else.
When we grow up, parents die. We clean out their homes. We go through things that once had so much meaning, and I don't ever want to get to that point in my life.
Right now, Nate and I have all of our parents. We have all of our siblings. I have every grandparent I've ever known still on this Earth. I have never had to witness the death of someone close to me. Our families are healthy, happy, and extremely blessed and I don't want anything to change. I wish that we could, for as long as we wanted, push a pause button on life. Say, "Lord, you've blessed me immeasurably. Everyone I love is here with me. Let's just not change any of it, OK?"
Wouldn't that be nice?
But here comes the part where I learn to trust God's plan for my life. Here's where I see that He has provided more than I ever deserved and I enjoy this moment. I live today knowing that my job here is to further the kingdom, and that He's given me an incredible support system to do so.
"I have told you these things so that you will be filled with My joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!" John 15:11
"Whatever is good...comes to us from God above". James 1:17
"Those who trust in the Lord will never lack any good thing" Psalm 34:10
"God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God" Romans 8:28
Today I am not sad. I am not depressed about the way things will eventually be. Today I love my family. I celebrate that we can laugh, cook together, hang out for holidays, call each other whenever we want, send cards to grandparents, visit relatives who live far away, and know that everyone is OK. I look forward to the times we have ahead and know that eventually we will get to spend eternity together. Now that is something to look forward to!
First off, you can count backwards from 300 by threes? It would take me a whole night to do that too...
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, I had to crack a joke b/c this is an issue that is so near to my heart that it forces the tears from my eyes; the fear of losing a parent is something I've dealt with and am dealing with...only as an eventuality, but still.
I feel for you, never having lost a loved one is a very scary place to be--but you're so right when you look to the only true source of comfort, God. Thank you for reminding me of his promises in those verses and take comfort, like I do, in one of His absolutely most lovely promises in the Bible: He will never put more on us than we are able to handle.
Love you so much, thanks for your honesty in your blog.